Top 3 Habits That Kill a Marriage—for Wives and Husbands to Avoid

Discover the top 3 habits that quietly destroy marriages—three from wives and three from husbands. Learn how to recognize and reverse these patterns before it's too late.

Marriage doesn’t usually fall apart all at once. Most of the time, it’s a slow drift—caused by small, repeated patterns that chip away at trust, safety, and connection. If you’re feeling stuck, disconnected, or discouraged in your marriage, it may not be because you're bad people—just caught in some bad patterns.

Here are the top 3 marriage-killing habits I see most often in husbands and wives. Each one is fixable. But they must be faced with humility, honesty, and the willingness to grow.

🔴 Top 3 Marriage-Killing Habits from Wives

1. Control

When a wife feels anxious, overwhelmed, or let down, she may try to take over. It might look like leadership on the surface, but underneath is fear. And the message that often comes across is: "I can't trust you to handle this."

Proverbs 14:1 - "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."

What it looks like:

• Micromanaging schedules and decisions

• Re-doing what her husband does "wrong"

• Making big choices without partnership

The impact: A controlling posture often causes the husband to shut down or stop trying. He might check out, not because he doesn't care, but because he feels like nothing he does is good enough.

The better way: Trust invites leadership. Express your needs clearly, but leave space for him to step up—and maybe even stumble while growing.

2. Criticism

Most wives don’t mean to tear down—they're just trying to get through. But when frustration builds up, it can come out in cutting words, harsh tones, or repeated nitpicking. It erodes connection.

Ephesians 4:29 - "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up."

What it looks like:

• Focusing on what he isn't doing

• Highlighting his flaws instead of his efforts

• Using phrases like "You never" or "You always"

The impact: Criticism makes a man feel disrespected and defeated. Over time, it creates emotional distance and defensive reactions.

The better way: Replace criticism with clear, respectful requests. Praise progress. A soft answer can draw out strength in your husband.

3. Comparison

Few things deflate a man more than being compared to someone else. Whether it's her friend's husband, a dad, or a pastor—comparison communicates: "You're not measuring up."

Galatians 6:4 - "Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else."

What it looks like:

• Holding up someone else as the gold standard

• Romanticizing another marriage

• Using others as leverage in arguments

The impact: Comparison doesn’t motivate—it wounds. It makes a man feel like no matter what he does, he’s not enough.

The better way: Practice gratitude. Notice what your husband is doing. Encourage growth without using someone else as a ruler.

🔴 Top 3 Marriage-Killing Habits from Husbands

1. Withdrawal

When things get tense, many men retreat. It feels safer than confrontation. But emotional absence is just as painful as harsh words.

1 Peter 3:7 - "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives... so that nothing will hinder your prayers."

What it looks like:

• Going quiet during conflict

• Numbing out with work or entertainment

• Being physically there but emotionally unavailable

The impact: Withdrawal makes a wife feel emotionally abandoned. It forces her to carry the relationship’s emotional weight alone.

The better way: Stay engaged, even if it’s uncomfortable. Say, "I’m overwhelmed, but I care. Let’s keep talking."

2. Passivity

When a husband defaults to "whatever you want" or avoids decisions, he may think he's being easygoing. But it often feels like abdication to his wife.

Ephesians 5:25 - "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

What it looks like:

• Letting her lead everything

• Avoiding responsibility or initiative

• Failing to speak into parenting, finances, or faith

The impact: Passivity makes a wife feel like the marriage is on her shoulders. She may become resentful or controlling just to keep things moving.

The better way: Step into servant leadership. Be decisive, but humble. Ask God how to lead with love, not dominance.

3. Selfishness

A husband who revolves life around his own desires will slowly dry up the emotional and spiritual intimacy in the marriage.

Philippians 2:4 - "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

What it looks like:

• Prioritizing hobbies or downtime over family needs

• Expecting intimacy without emotional investment

• Making decisions based on personal comfort

The impact: A selfish posture tells your wife: "Your needs matter less." Over time, this erodes her joy and trust.

The better way: Serve. Sacrifice. Show her in small, daily ways that she matters.

❤️ Hope for the Weary

If you see yourself (or your spouse) in any of these habits, don't panic. You're not doomed—you're human. But now that you see it, you're responsible for what you do with it.

Jesus calls us to lay down pride, pick up humility, and love each other the way He loves us: sacrificially, patiently, and redemptively.

Romans 12:10 - "Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves."

Let this be the moment where you begin again. Start a conversation. Pray together. Ask for help if you need it. But don’t stay stuck.

Healing starts when humility meets intention.

🔍 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Q: Can a marriage recover after years of criticism or control?A: Yes. Many couples recover when they commit to identifying and changing the habits that have damaged their bond. Healing takes time, humility, and often outside support—but restoration is absolutely possible.

Q: What if only one spouse is willing to change?A: Change can begin with one spouse, especially if that person sets a tone of grace, accountability, and prayer. However, long-term transformation requires mutual willingness. Counseling can help bring both hearts to the table.

Q: Are these habits based on biblical principles?A: Yes. Each habit is paired with Scripture to root the insights in biblical wisdom, offering both truth and grace to guide couples toward Christlike love.

Q: How do I start the conversation with my spouse?A: Gently share what you've read and ask: "Do you see any of this in us?" Choose a non-defensive, open-hearted tone. Invite honesty, not blame.

Q: When should we consider counseling?A: If you feel stuck, overwhelmed, or caught in cycles that never resolve, it’s wise to bring in a counselor. Don’t wait until things fall apart—help early brings hope sooner.