Stop Trying to Change Each Other: Learning to Accept Your Spouse Through Trust and Surrender

By Guy J. Gourley, MA, MABS, LCPC

In couples counseling, one of the most common patterns I see is this:

Two people, each trying to change the other.

It’s rarely aggressive or malicious. It’s often subtle, wrapped in frustration or disappointment. One spouse wants the other to:

• Be more emotionally available

• Parent differently

• Handle money more responsibly

• Be more spiritual, more romantic, more driven, more relaxed

Whatever the issue, the goal is often the same:

“If I can get my spouse to change, I will finally feel better.”

But here's the truth:

You can't change your spouse. And trying to will exhaust you both.

This blog explores the damaging pattern of control, the biblical invitation to surrender, and how couples can learn to accept one another while allowing God to do the deeper work.

🪤 Why We Try to Change Each Other

Trying to change our spouse is often a form of self-protection. We believe:

• "If they change, I’ll feel more secure."

• "If they act differently, I can relax."

• "If they meet my expectations, I’ll be satisfied."

Underneath it all is a desire for control, not connection.

This dynamic often leads to:

• Power struggles

• Chronic criticism

• Resentment and defensiveness

• Emotional distance

🏋️ Control vs. Acceptance: The Battle for the Heart

When we try to control our spouse, we:

• Stop seeing them as a unique image-bearer

• Relate to who we want them to be instead of who they actually are

• Miss the opportunity to love them as God does

“I love you if…” becomes the unspoken agreement, rather than “I love you as…”

Control kills intimacy. Acceptance fosters safety and growth.

🕊️ A Biblical Call to Conform to Christ, Not Our Spouse's Expectations

One of the most powerful truths for couples is this:

Your job is not to change your spouse into your image. It’s to allow Christ to change you into His.

"And we all... are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory." – 2 Corinthians 3:18

When we try to mold our spouse into our version of what's right, helpful, or comfortable, we take on a role that belongs to God alone.

"Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand." – Romans 14:4

Meaning and Context:

This verse comes from a section of Paul's letter to the Romans where he addresses how Christians should handle differences in personal convictions — particularly around disputable matters like food laws, holy days, and personal religious practices.

Here's a breakdown:

• "Who are you to judge someone else’s servant?" Paul is challenging believers who judge others for their practices or convictions. He uses the metaphor of a servant and master to emphasize that it's not our role to evaluate someone else’s relationship with God. Just as a servant answers to their master — not to other servants — so too, each believer answers to God.

• "To their own master, servants stand or fall." This reinforces that each person is accountable to God, not to us. It's God who evaluates faithfulness, motives, and obedience.

• "And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand." Paul reassures the reader that God is not only the judge but also the sustainer. Even if someone appears weak in faith or makes different choices, God is both gracious and powerful enough to uphold them in righteousness.

Application:

This verse is a call to humility, grace, and restraint in judging fellow believers—especially on secondary issues. It encourages trust in God’s sovereignty over other people’s spiritual journeys and challenges us to focus on our own obedience rather than trying to control or critique someone else’s.

It’s especially relevant in churches or relationships where personal convictions vary — reminding us that love, not legalism, should define how we relate to one another.

• We must surrender the illusion of control and embrace the sovereignty of God in our spouse’s story.

⛪ Trusting God in the Places You Can’t Fix

When couples hear this, they often say:

“But if I don’t push them, nothing will change.”

That’s a natural fear. But Scripture teaches us that real transformation comes through:

• Prayer, not pressure

• Grace, not guilt

• Trust, not tension

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." – Proverbs 3:5

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means giving over—entrusting your spouse to a faithful God who knows what they need more than you do.

❤️ What Acceptance Looks Like in Marriage

Acceptance doesn’t mean agreeing with everything or never confronting sin. It means:

• Loving your spouse where they are, not where you wish they were

• Creating emotional safety so change becomes possible

• Listening with curiosity instead of correction

• Speaking truth with gentleness, not judgment

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." – Romans 15:7

🙏 Practical Ways to Move from Control to Acceptance

1. Identify Where You’re Trying to Control

Ask yourself:

• Am I praying more than I’m pressuring?

• Am I seeking God about my spouse, or just complaining about them?

2. Speak Blessing, Not Just Correction

Affirm progress, effort, and goodness. Encouragement often opens the door where criticism shuts it.

3. Focus on Your Own Growth

Let your own transformation be your focus. As you become more like Christ, you become a safer, more gracious spouse.

4. Practice Active Surrender

Pray daily:

"God, help me love them as they are, not as I want them to be. Help me trust You with what I can’t fix."

5. Invite, Don’t Impose

Instead of commands, use gentle invitations:

• "Would you be open to…?"

• "I’d love to share something that’s on my heart. Can I?"

🤝 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q1: Isn’t it my job to help my spouse grow?

Yes, but through support and encouragement—not control. You can influence, but not force transformation. Only God changes hearts.

Q2: How do I accept things that really bother me?

Acceptance doesn’t mean apathy. It means choosing peace while still addressing concerns through grace, timing, and prayer.

Q3: What if my spouse never changes?

Trust that God is always working, even if you don’t see it. Focus on your own walk with Christ and invite your spouse into relational growth.

Q4: Are boundaries part of acceptance?

Absolutely. Healthy acceptance includes knowing your limits and honoring truth. It’s possible to accept a person while setting boundaries against unhealthy behaviors.

Q5: Can we learn to accept each other and still grow?

Yes! Acceptance is actually the foundation for healthy change. When people feel safe and loved, they are more open to growth.