“She’s Crazy, He’s a Narcissist”: Understanding Labels, Gender Differences, and Emotional Health in Relationships

By Guy J. Gourley MA, MABS, LCPC

In today’s emotionally charged relationship landscape, it’s common to hear frustrated partners say things like, “She’s bipolar,” or “He’s definitely a narcissist.”

Increasingly, we also hear: “He’s probably on the spectrum.” These labels may reflect genuine emotional distress—but often, they oversimplify deep relational wounds.

This article explores the research behind gender differences in emotional tendencies, how modern culture weaponizes mental health labels, and how faith and psychology together can offer a better way forward.

🔍 Gender and Personality: What the Research Shows

Scientific studies have consistently found that men and women tend to differ on key personality traits, particularly neuroticism—a trait that describes emotional sensitivity, moodiness, and vulnerability to stress.

Labeling our Spouses

👉 Are Women Really More Neurotic?

Yes—on average, women score higher than men on neuroticism across virtually every culture studied. Research from the Big Five personality model, replicated in thousands of studies globally, finds that:

• Women report more anxiety, emotional reactivity, and mood swings

• Men tend to be more emotionally stable but also less emotionally expressive

This pattern shows up in:

• Feingold’s meta-analysis (1994)

• Weisberg, DeYoung, & Hirsh (2011)

• McCrae & Costa’s international Big Five research

  
  

Why the Difference?

Instead of attributing this to biology or evolutionary theory, many psychologists highlight the role of developmental and social-learning influences:

• Socialization: From an early age, girls are encouraged to express emotion, develop empathy, and nurture relationships. Boys are more often taught to value toughness, independence, and emotional restraint.

• Cultural Expectations: Women are often expected to be relational “caretakers,” which may make them more attuned—but also more vulnerable—to emotional stress.

• Coping Style Differences: Women are more likely to internalize stress through rumination, which can increase anxiety and mood shifts. Men, in contrast, are more likely to externalize or suppress emotion, appearing less reactive but often becoming more detached.

  
  

From a faith-based lens, this resonates with how sin, brokenness, and pressure shape the emotional burdens each gender carries—not as flaws, but as areas where we’re called to understand, support, and bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2).

🧠 What Do Men Score Higher On?

While women lean toward neuroticism and agreeableness, men tend to score higher in:

• Assertiveness (a facet of extraversion)

• Intellectual and abstract reasoning

• Risk-taking and emotional detachment (especially in conflict)

  
  

These tendencies can fuel frustration in relationships:

• A woman wants emotional connection → perceives a man’s calm detachment as narcissism

• A man wants clarity and peace → perceives a woman’s emotional intensity as “crazy”

Enter the labels.

🚨 From Personality to Pathology: Why We Label Our Partners

When emotional needs go unmet, people often resort to labels to make sense of their pain. In couples counseling, we frequently hear:

• Women labeling men as:“Narcissist,” “on the spectrum,” “emotionally unavailable,” “cold,” or “manipulative”

• Men labeling women as:“Crazy,” “bipolar,” “hysterical,” “too emotional,” or “unstable”

Why These Labels?

1. Cognitive shortcuts: Our brains simplify distressing behaviors with labels that feel easier to grasp than emotional nuance.

2. Cultural influence: Social media and pop psychology have made terms like “narcissist” and “neurodivergent” common—often without clinical understanding.

3. Defense mechanisms: Labeling externalizes blame and shields us from vulnerability.

   
   

“She’s crazy” often means: “Her emotions overwhelm me, and I don’t know what to do.”

“He’s a narcissist” often means: “I feel invisible and hurt when he shuts down.”

🥉 The Rise of “He’s On the Spectrum”

In recent years, more women are labeling their male partners as “neurodivergent” or “on the autism spectrum.” This may reflect a sincere attempt to understand behaviors like:

• Literal thinking

• Social awkwardness

• Lack of emotional reciprocity

• Obsession with routines or systems

While some men may indeed be undiagnosed ASD or ADHD, often these traits reflect attachment styles, emotional defensiveness, or underdeveloped relational skills, not necessarily neurodivergence.

👉 Risk: Using spectrum labels as shorthand can cause shame or misunderstanding—and may prevent deeper emotional repair.

💔 Attachment Styles: The Real Conflict Beneath the Labels

Much of the behavior being labeled—by both genders—can be better understood through attachment theory:

• Anxiously attached partners (often women) crave reassurance and emotional closeness, and may become emotional or clingy.

• Avoidantly attached partners (often men) pull away under pressure, minimizing emotions and seeking control.

This push-pull dynamic breeds misunderstanding and pain:

She feels abandoned → gets louder → he feels attacked → shuts down → she labels himHe feels overwhelmed → withdraws → she feels dismissed → lashes out → he labels her

Attachment theory offers a redemptive path: recognizing these patterns and learning to co-regulate instead of mislabel.

📖 Biblical Wisdom on Emotional Regulation and Judgment

God's Word offers clear, timeless guidance about emotional life and relational integrity:

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1

“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” – Proverbs 20:5“

Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” – Matthew 7:1

Scripture calls us to understanding, patience, and humility in how we see others—especially our spouses.

Instead of slapping on labels, the biblical model calls us to:

• Seek wisdom and discernment

• Assume the best, not the worst

• Approach conflict with gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23)

  
  

❤️ Moving from Labels to Listening

Here’s how to start breaking free from the trap of labels:

✅ Ask What the Label is Hiding

• What emotion am I actually feeling? (Lonely? Hurt? Powerless?)

• What unmet need is behind this judgment?

✅ Reflect Instead of Diagnose

• Instead of “You’re a narcissist,” try:“When you dismiss what I say, I feel invisible and angry.”

• Instead of “You’re bipolar,” try:“When your mood changes quickly, I don’t know how to respond, and I get scared.”

✅ Consider Counseling

Couples therapy can help partners explore emotional styles, trauma responses, and communication habits without shame or blame.

✨ Final Thoughts

The truth is this: Most people aren’t narcissists, crazy, or on the spectrum—they’re hurting, confused, and longing to be seen and understood. We use labels to protect ourselves from pain, but often, they only build more walls.

By turning from judgment to curiosity, from labels to listening, couples can find healing—and even redemption—in the very places that once caused them the most pain.

🤝 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q1: Are women really more neurotic than men?

Yes, on average, research shows that women score higher than men on neuroticism, a personality trait associated with emotional sensitivity, anxiety, and mood fluctuations. This is supported by decades of global personality research and is likely influenced by both socialization and stress coping patterns—not weakness or pathology.

Q2: Why do women call men narcissists so often?

When women feel emotionally neglected, invalidated, or unheard, they may use the term “narcissist” to describe their partner. While some men may show narcissistic traits, in many cases the label reflects unmet emotional needs or attachment wounds—not an actual personality disorder.

Q3: Why do men say women are “crazy” or “bipolar”?

Men often struggle with emotional overwhelm and may interpret intense emotional expression as irrational or unstable. When they feel confused, powerless, or flooded, labeling a partner as “crazy” becomes a defense mechanism—though it often deepens the disconnect rather than resolving it.

Q4: Is my husband actually on the autism spectrum, or just emotionally distant?

Some men are truly neurodivergent (e.g., ASD or ADHD), but many are simply emotionally avoidant, overwhelmed, or socially unskilled due to how they were raised. If you’re unsure, focus on communication patterns and emotional connection rather than armchair diagnosis. A professional assessment may help if there's a concern.

Q5: What should I do if I catch myself labeling my partner?

First, pause and ask: “What am I really feeling right now?” Labels like “ narcissist” or “crazy” often cover up deeper emotions like fear, rejection, or loneliness. Shift from labeling to curiosity and communication. Consider counseling to uncover what's truly driving the dynamic.

Q6: What does the Bible say about labeling or judging others?

Scripture encourages humility, gentleness, and understanding:

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” – Matthew 7:1“A gentle answer turns away wrath.” – Proverbs 15:1God invites us to see others through the lens of grace—not judgment—and to speak truth in love, not in labels.

Q7: Can couples heal after falling into these labeling patterns?

Absolutely. With insight, forgiveness, and healthier tools, couples can repair trust and rebuild connection. Labeling is a symptom of deeper distress—not a final verdict. Faith-based counseling and emotional growth can open the door to real intimacy and peace.