Initiating and Inviting: A Balanced Look at Biblical Roles in Marriage

By Guy J. Gourley MA, MABS, LCPC

In many Christian marriages, men are taught that they are to be the initiators: spiritually, emotionally, sexually, and relationally. This calling is often emphasized through sermons, books, and marriage resources. And while the call for men to lead with love and purpose is both biblical and good, a crucial piece is often left out of the conversation:

What about the wife’s role to invite?

Dr. Larry Crabb powerfully framed this dynamic by encouraging women to invite their husbands into more of life, not just wait for them to act. Yet this beautiful biblical tension—between male initiation and female invitation—is rarely explored in depth.

This blog unpacks the mutuality of spiritual and emotional movement in marriage: how men initiate, how women invite, and how both reflect the relational nature of God.

🔎 The Problem with One-Sided Expectations

In many marriages, men carry a heavy weight:

• Initiate date nights

• Lead devotions

• Pursue emotionally

• Carry spiritual responsibility

• Set the tone for intimacy

  
  

Meanwhile, women are often encouraged to "respond" but not necessarily to invite. This imbalance can lead to:

• Husbands feeling like they can never do enough

• Wives feeling passive, frustrated, or resentful

• Missed opportunities for emotional engagement

Biblical leadership is not control. Biblical help is not silence.

🧠 A Biblical View of Initiation and Invitation

Men: Initiate with Humble Leadership

Scripture calls men to initiate through sacrificial love and presence:

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." – Ephesians 5:25

Initiation is not dominance or micromanagement. It is a willingness to move first in love, humility, and pursuit.

Women: Invite with Intentional Grace and Creative Power

The word used for Eve in Genesis 2 is "ezer kenegdo" – often translated "helper," but it literally means a strong companion beside.

Invitation is not passive. It is a reflection of a woman’s feminine creation – the ability to draw her husband into life, love, and relationship.

This includes:

• Drawing her husband into meaningful conversation

• Welcoming him into her emotional and spiritual world

• Expressing desire for him—not only sexually, but relationally

• Creating beauty, warmth, and space for connection

"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." – Proverbs 14:1

A woman’s invitation is a form of strength and sacred influence, not submission to passivity.

⚖️ Restoring the Balance in Marriage

A healthy marriage involves movement on both sides:

• He initiates prayer → She invites him to her heart

• She invites conversation → He initiates honesty

• He initiates reconciliation → She invites vulnerability

This creates a dynamic flow of love, not a stagnant script.

When only one person is responsible for connection, resentment builds.

But when both engage, the marriage thrives.

🌟 Practical Ways to Practice This

For Husbands:

• Initiate check-ins: "How are we doing emotionally and spiritually?"

• Plan moments of connection

• Lead by listening before speaking

For Wives:

• Invite him into non-verbal spaces: art, beauty, silence

• Show desire for him emotionally, relationally and sexually

• Invite spiritual connection through prayer or shared reflection

Both roles involve courage. Both reflect the image of a God who both pursues and invites.

"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." – James 4:8

🙏 The Gospel and Mutual Movement

The gospel is full of initiation and invitation:

• God initiates redemption through Christ

• We are invited to respond in relationship

• Christ stands at the door and knocks (Revelation 3:20)

A marriage built on the gospel reflects this divine rhythm.

🤝 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q1: Isn’t it the husband’s job to lead everything?

Leadership doesn't mean micromanaging every interaction. It means taking responsibility for the health and direction of the relationship—but within a mutual, honoring partnership.

Q2: What does it mean for a wife to be inviting?

It means she actively draws her husband into relationship, expresses emotional openness, and nurtures the connection through presence, creativity, and intentional communication.

Q3: Can women initiate spiritually or emotionally without usurping the man's role?

Yes. Spiritual leadership is not a zero-sum game. A wife can absolutely initiate prayer, worship, or conversation without negating her husband’s calling.

Q4: Why don’t we hear more teaching on the wife's role to invite?

Many Christian frameworks overemphasize male responsibility while under-teaching the strength and agency of women in marriage. It’s time for a fuller biblical vision.

Q5: What if my spouse doesn't respond to my invitation or initiation?

Continue to love, invite, and pray. Marriage is a long journey. Your faithfulness can still create space for healing, growth, and eventually, mutual movement.