Guy J. Gourley MA, MABS, LCPC
Myth # 1 It’s all about problem-solving.
Biblical Truth: It is about first loving well (connecting) and then problem-solving in oneness.
It is about connecting and attaching first and then problem-solving together. It is about loving well and being other-centered in such a way that it forms a deep connection that reduces the fear and gives reassurance of your love and oneness.
Myth # 2 It is all about communication, what I say, and how I say it.
Biblical Truth-It is about the transformation of my heart. It is about submitting to God that I am selfish, want my way, and believe that He will sustain my heart if I choose to give up my life to love well. Then I will communicate from a different heart.
Myth #3 It is about fixing my flawed spouse.
Biblical Truth: It is about humility, confessing pride, repentance, loving well, and a willingness to submit to God’s plan. There is not something fundamentally wrong with you. It is about growing and humility, confessing selfishness, and seeking to serve.
Myth #4 It is about my family of origin or past hurt that determines the fate of my marriage.
Biblical Truth: You are not defined by your past. You are a new creature in Christ with a redeemed heart. It is the lies that I believe I believe about God, others, and myself as a result of my hurt that leads me to worship or self-absorption.
Myth #5 I can’t give anymore, I’ve given all that I have, and it has not changed. I must now protect myself so that I can survive.
Biblical Truth: It is about learning to be filled up with God’s love, which is an overflow of your heart that allows you to sacrifice and unconditionally love even when you do not feel like it. It is about asking strategic questions to your spouse while putting your hurt to the side for the moment so that they can feel known and loved, leading them to a deeper worship of God.
Myth #6 It is useless because people don’t change.
Biblical Truth: I can change, and they can change. It is called repentance. I can recognize my pride, take responsibility and learn to yield to God so that He transforms my heart by renewing my mind through the Word of God.
Myth #7 It will always be this way. I will always feel this way.
Biblical Truth: Walk by Faith, not by sight or…feelings. You are too subject to fear and the enemy’s influence when you only act on your feelings. You must lock the back door and believe God can and will do something. You will not always feel this way. This, too, shall pass. It is shortsighted of us to make decisions about our life and our family based on how we feel. Don’t make life decisions when you’re in an emotional ICU.
Myth #8 I’m just not in love anymore. I don’t feel the same way about them. I don’t think I could ever get those feelings back for them.
Biblical Truth: Remember that God can restore and renew desires as we surrender to Him. As we start to take steps of faith or risk in new and surprising ways, we experience different emotions from our spouses. The more we experience being loved, connected, and attached, the more we start having positive feelings, and new experiences replace negative ones. The enemy always wants you to rewrite history to justify your feelings and actions. Don’t believe the lie. God is the One who restores, redeems, and changes the heart of men and women.
Myth #9 It doesn’t matter. No matter how hard I try, I will never be understood. Everything is misinterpreted. It is useless to try.
Biblical Truth: It is about listening with your heart to understand what your spouse is needing or wants, what they’re fearful of, and what they’re asking of you.
Myth #10 I can’t live with them anymore. I feel like I’m losing myself. I feel worthless.
Biblical Truth: Your pain is real, you have experienced deep pain, and your heart is full. However, your marriage or what your spouse says about you does not determine your worth. Your ultimate value comes from your identity in Christ. It comes from being his son or daughter, who he is completely in love with and celebrates with singing. He knows your suffering, pain, and struggle story will somehow be used for his glory.
